TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN OR WORRY:

Issued in solemn warning this ___________ Day of _________ to the relatives and friends of _______________________________.

Very soon he will be in your midst, dehydrated and demoralized, to rightfully take his place as a human being with freedom and justice, engaged in life, liberty and a somewhat belated pursuit of happiness.

In making your preparations to welcome him into society, you must make allowances for the very crude environment which has been his home for the period of time which he has unwillingly absented himself.

He must be handled with extreme care. Stay calm if he pours gravy on his dessert or mixes peaches with his whiskey. Be tolerant of his language. If his vocabulary has changed, with or without accent, you must understand that Marine grammar is slightly different than that used by other people. In a relatively short time, he can be taught to talk properly.

For the first few months that he is home, until he is completely housebroken, be especially watchful when he is in the company of women, particularly young and beautiful ones. His intentions are sincere although dishonorable. Keep in mind, beneath his tanned and rugged exterior, there lies a heart of gold, the only thing of value that he has left. Treat him with kindness and occasionally a case of beer, as your rehabilitant is now a hollow shell of the proud man you once knew.

Don't feel hurt if he sits down at the table and feeds himself as if someone were going to steal his food. If he shuns roast beef, potatoes, roast beef, beans, roast beef, scrambled eggs, roast beef, pancakes, roast beef, stew and roast beef, don't mind because they all remind him of his past. Break him in slowly and he will eventually return to his normal eating habits. Show no alarm if he prefers to use a big spoon to eat or stirs his coffee with his ink pen.

NEVER make any flattering remarks about the Air Force or the Army. And above all, NEVER, never mention the Navy in his presence.

He is actually harmless, though his actions may seem a little strange. However, while in the Marines he was taught to kill. Tell the neighbors to lock their daughters in their rooms. Get the kids off the streets. Fill the fridge with beer and "munchies" and put the candle in the window because THE KID IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!

Truthfully,

USMC

(Uncle Sam's Misguided Children)