The Empire Strikes Back

There's a Turkish Proverb that goes: "If you speak the truth, have a foot in the stirrup."

Which is good advice.

Before I write another word, let me clarify that what I am about to say is in response to some comments or concerns about my Oh Parenting post. Not comments written down in response to the post here... but comments relayed to me personally or through my wife. So, if your wondering why I'd just start explaining myself for no reason, now you know. We'll call this the dark second act to the Parenting Wars.

When you hit on a bit truth in your musings, you are bound to experience a backlash. When you call-out a group of people for being close-minded (and/or arrogant) and do it well, everyone who reads about it will wonder if you are talking about them specifically because they identify with some of what you said. That is usually a trademark of my tirades on various subjects because it is my experience that 90% of the time people don't realize they are guilty of the same faults as their alleged opponents. If you are the type of person who tries to keep an open mind, you've probably noticed that already. You are probably also aware of the moments in your life where you commit the exact same atrocity you despise in others.

In Oh Parenting, I simply lament that Ashley and I are caught in the middle of the Parenting Wars. Every parent we know has a different take on parenting and many have an extreme prejudice towards opposing parenting styles. So, Ashley and I tend to do a lot of nodding and keeping our mouths shut... We have our own ideas about how to raise our child... we do the research, read the books, and of course there is the constant stream of well meaning advice from every corner to keep things interesting. We make up our own minds as a family. Generally, I don't care what other parents do with their children. I don't have to deal with their kids... I have to deal with my kid. If I see a parent doing something that appears to be working, or something that I think might work with Owen, I'll give it a try. I owe most of my inspirations to my sister (the golden child) and brother-in-law, however. They always have great communication with their kids. That being said, I'm probably not going to give advice to another parent if they don't ask for it. When Ashley and I moved our little bed-hog to his own crib in a marriage saving stroke of brilliance, we were both relieved... and I wasn't afraid to say so. Which may be the one time I've ever said, "you gotta do this..." to anyone about raising a child. I've been questioned on the technique that worked so effortlessly for us and I've been happy to share it with anyone interested in using it. But, if someone wants to keep their baby in the bed with them... I could care less. I don't think it will harm a child's personality any more than sleeping in a crib will, that's for sure.

So what was I really worked up about?

Well, there are people out there... in the world, who think they know more than anyone else. People who honestly believe that it is their god (or goddess) given duty to make people behave a certain way. That they are in possession of a universal truth. In reference to raising children, there are doctors, psychologists, social workers, midwives, nurses, breastfeeding consultants, nutritionists, and their endless minions who read the books they publish. That's a broad brush... and don't get me wrong, in general reading is good. The more you read, the better off you are. But, when someone starts telling you what to read... AND what NOT to read. Then your fascism detector should go off.

* I parodied the argument about the "good books" and the "bad books" in Oh Parenting... but the truth isn't too far from it. This is the passive equivalent to a book-burning. If you ever find yourself thinking that "it's OK to burn a certain book because..." then you should stop right there and think about the people that want to burn the book you think is good. There ARE two sides to everything.

Anyway, you have these people who think they know more than you. Who think they can tell you how to raise your children... people who don't know you well enough to say anything about your parenting. They are different from your friends who are firmly against giving their kids frenchfries, or who co-sleep, or are raising their kid vegitarian... or Catholic. These people are the people, who just barge into a conversation with something like, "You tell your husband it is your right as a mother to sleep with your baby in the bed and those people who tell you it's dangerous are lying to you!" ...or perhaps the exact oppopsite sentiment. Ashley and I have heard both. These people, I call missionaries. They are seeking converts to their way of thinking and they do so by bullying and condescending. "If you do this, then your hurting your baby." "If you believe that, then your being naive." "This is the natural way and your going against nature." There's a huge gap between this kind of lunacy and something like, "Oh, we've decided to raise or son as a vegitarian, because we're vegitarians and it works for us." You'll notice there is no "you" in the sentence.

We know a few people (not people we'd invite to our house mind you but, we know them) who like to make overly generalized statements about childrearing with the assumption that if you disagree with them, they you are somehow inferior. If your child is sleeping in his crib happily, then you've made a profound mistake as a parent. Since Owen is sleeping happily in his crib, Ashley and I usually feel that this is an invitation to voice an opinion about this person's failings in the raising-perfect-children department... though usually this happens after Owen goes to bed and no one is around to hear. (I just erased a litany of defects in the children of people I know who behave this way, because it isn't the child's fault and it isn't fair to humiliate people even if they are asking for it.)

So in the end, just ask yourself... honestly... do I think I am such a good parent that I can tell other people how to raise their children? Am I an expert? If you have doubts... and you should, then I've done what I set out to do. Everyone needs to take a moment now and then and question themselves. Everytime I write about something I have to do it. I have to look things up, question my motives, consider all the angles... You should expect to do the same if you read this blog.

I'd rather ask the right questions than have the right answers any day. So, for everyone who thouhgt I was bitching about them in particular, relax... I'm just bitching in general. If you'd really upset me, I'd have let you know in person at the first opportunity!